The Discworld Genesis
by Kythi Ravenswing
Summary: If the Creator had attempted to make the Universe in Discworld, what would have happened? At best guess, this. Please enjoy, and try not to flame! Warning: includes angels, accountants, and shiitake mushrooms.
1. Let There Be Light

"Let there be light!" cried God, and there was light, and it was good.

That was the theory, anyway.

What actually happened was that God cried "Let there be light!" and the angel said, "What color?"

"What?" said God, momentarily startled.

"What color?" said the angel cheerfully. "We got Smoky Reddish, Pale Eerie, and Warm and Sunny, we got spotlights, strobe lights, large ornamental chandeliers-"

"_Light_!" said God. "You know, lighty light! The light kind!"

"Glow-in-the-dark?" asked the angel.

"There is no dark without the light!" God explained. "That's the whole point!"

"So what're we standing in?" asked the angel, mildly interested. "Shadowy Light Just Before Dawn? That's a very popular type, we get lots of orders for-"

"We aren't-you aren't-just _aren't_," God clarified. "Do you have any Universal Light of Wisdom and, you know, general Light?"

"I'm sorry, sir, we've just run out," said the angel politely. "The new shipment is heading in soon, or You could order one from one of our other branches."

"How long?" asked God.

"Well," said the angel, looking slightly nervous, "they can't be a certain length, because they aren't literal branches, as of such, you know, more like other businesses, but still us, like-"

"How long for it to _arrive_," God said, staring up at where the sky would be, sooner or later.

"Ten to twelve months," said the angel cheerfully. "Price includes costoforderingandshippingplustaxandextrataxbecauseofthe-"

God rested His forehead against the nonexistent wall. "Just get it here."

"That'll be one thousand fifty dollars," the angel said promptly. "Notincludingcostofinstallmentorshippingorextrataxcausewefeellikeitor-"

God sighed deeply. It was going to be a long Genesis.

Light/Darkness

Sun/Moon

Sky/Earth

Trees

Fishes/Birds/Squirrels

Man/Woman

Rest


	2. Sun and Moon

**Disclaimer**: If I was Terry Pratchett, would I be posting this stuff on ? No, I would be publishing it in the real world. Which I should think is obvious, but I guess admins disagree.

Some Small Explanations: This originated when I was reading Men at Arms and Carrot is going on about honchette, honcharina, honchesa. Vimes says, "If the Creator had said 'Let there be Light!' in Ankh-Morpork, he wouldn't have got anywhere for all the people saying 'What color?'"

The bit about the conveyor belt is an inside joke. My friend and I were creating a religion, and the world we made was the one described. The paint splatters are what causes the sky to change colors, FYI, and the three-layer-cake is composed of Land, SeaWorld, and Death. I owe the turtle to the Disc, of course, but I left off the elephants.

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On the second day, God made the sun and the moon. And there were a sun and moon, and it was good.

The angel tapped God on the shoulder. "Does that include stars?"

"Yes," said God.

"Only we're not sure if we'll have room," said the angel.

God took deep breaths, in, out, in, out. "It's a never-ending universe."

"Well…" said the angel, looking nervous.

"It _is_ never-ending. _Isn't it_?" said God, whose face and voice would have been full of thunder if thunder had been invented yet.

"Well, we needed to make room for the Four Trees," the angel said uncomfortably. "And the elephants. And the Tree of Worlds. And the turtle. And the conveyor belt."

"_Conveyor belt_?" asked God ominously.

The angel nodded quickly. "The world is a three-layer-cake on top of a turtle inside a paint-splattered cylinder on a conveyor belt above the Gigantic Lightbulb of Space, _ding!_"

God was silent. Loudly.

"You have to say the _ding_ afterwards," said the angel, suddenly wishing he'd followed his childhood dream and become an insurance salesman instead.

God just stared.

"According to the Shashungese, anyway," said the angel, his voice trailing off to a squeak.

"Moon. Sun," said God quietly. "Stars."

The angel managed to squeak out something about custom constellations, only a small extra charge.

"_No_," said God, with the perfect calm of one who wishes they had invented thunderbolts already. "_I don't think so_."

And it was good.

Moon/Sun

Sky/Land

Trees

Fish/Birds/Squirrels

Humans

Rest


End file.
